Understandings from a talk by Swamiji Adhyatmananda – Compiled by Vinay Nair

  • There’s no substitute other than understanding children. We try so many different methods to tackle children except this, which is the only way. In order to understand children you need to get down to their level. To influence a child, you have to go back to your childhood days.
  • Many a times, a child’s behaviour is bad due to parenting defects. And these parenting defects are due to their parents’ parenting faults.
  • Swamiji (to children): Do you get disturbed when your parents express their concern?
  • Children: Yes Swamiji, especially when they:
    • Insult in front of guests by asking the scores in exams.
    • Compare us with our brothers, sisters or friends.
    • They start their unending chant – “Study, Study, Study”. And when they add this dialogue – “I’m saying this for your own good”
    • Enforce the methods of studying – Read aloud, write and study instead of reading, etc.

Swamiji, how would our parents feel if we asked similar questions to them, like

o   Dad, how much increment did you get this time?

o   My friend’s dad is so cool, why cant you be like that?

o   Work more dad, do overtime. Get extra money so that you can live happily. I’m telling this for your own good, not for my sake.

  • First thing any parent should ask themselves is, “Do I love myself”? Everybody think that they love themselves, but very few do. We see so many people who are always busy and don’t have time for anything, not even for themselves. They are the ones who don’t like their own company. But it is them who always find fault in others and keep complaining and irritating others. Even though they might be a frustrating character for others; in reality, they face a greater struggle within them against their own personality resulting in inflicting the blame on others.
  • Authentic feeling is a must. If you get angry, tell the other person that you are getting angry. If you feel tensed, say so. Don’t express your feeling as anger when you are feeling tensed. Many laugh when they say something that has hurt them a lot. All these opposite reactions are called Racket Feeling in Psychology. It is also called Masking the Personality.
  • Unconditional Acceptance – Accepting ourselves as we are. One should have this attitude for oneself and for others. Only when we accept ourselves unconditionally can we overcome our short-comings. Mistakes are to be corrected. Life is not to be lead over repentance of the past. When we have the strength to bear others unconditionally, only then we have the right to correct others.
  • Take Charge/Responsibility of your feelings. Don’t blame others for you getting angry. You alone are responsible for it. One needs to have the courage to take responsibility of their actions.

  • Questions a parent should ask oneself.
    • Do I encourage my child to ask questions?
    • Do I love my children without any guilty consciousness or love without any regret (Unconditional Acceptance)? Or do I put any clauses in accepting my child?
    • How healthy is my relation with my partner? (It directly affects the child)
    • How much qualitative time do I spend with my child?

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4 thoughts on “Understandings from a talk by Swamiji Adhyatmananda – Compiled by Vinay Nair

  1. jayarajan

    Your discription about parenting correct. Some extention I do the same as you ment ion here. But sometime Iam also forgeting myself and try to advice my children about the importand of the study. But maximum I try to understand my children’s stand,far better than my wife. So mostly my children communicate with me without hesitate rather than their mam.
    I will try more care from now on.
    Thank you sir.

  2. Vinay Nair

    Thanks for your comment. Well, I guess everybody is not correct all the time. We all make errors. But thats ok as long as we know that there is a need for our attitude to change according the time and age of our child.
    Secondly, nobody likes advises. So in case you feel that there should be some change in a particular person’s attitude, you can probably pass on such messages through emails so that they wont feel you are advising them. And then, let them decide what is best for them.

  3. ashgopal

    what a wonderful article vinayji .AFTER reading your article .it reminded me about my counsellor friend IN MALAD i had a disccusion on this very topic that even ing when she was packing her things we discussed this topic until night around 8.pm

    ONE THING SHE SAID BEFORE LEAVING “REMEMBER ASHWINI PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT ATTITUDE IF U EXPECT THEIR ATTITUDE TO CHANGE TOWARDS US AT THEIR AGE . U ONLY will BECOME SAD TAKE IT EASY AND GO . ”

    AFTER THAT SHE SAID : “OUR AMMAS HAVE BROUGHT UP TO THIS LEVEL FACING ODDS TOH THEY TAKE TODA FOOTAGE YAAR &THEY HAVE BEEN BROUGHT UP BY THEIR PARENTS WITH SET OF VALUES ”

    .SO EVEN IF SOMETIMES WE ASK WHY? WHY? THEY GET IRRITATED BECAUSE THEY NEVER ASKED QUESTION OR EVEN IF THEY ASKED QUESTION

    OUR GRANDPARENTS MUST HAVE TOLD THEM TO SHUT UPFOR ASKING SO MUCH QUESTIONS .

    SO NEITHER WE CAN THEM NOR GRANDPARENTS FOR THIS .

    IN FUTURE WE CAN DO ….

    she was allways there for me .

    I

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